My first rant involved women forgetting their pants. This rant is about women photographing themselves with no pants.

*Disclaimer: I am bitter that I got married right before the advent of the digital camera. There are so many talented photographers and beautiful wedding pictures nowadays…I am also bitter that complaining about my wedding photography makes me sound so old.

When my parents got married, a photographer offered to take “special” pictures in their hotel room. Thankfully, for the sake of this post and for posterity, they declined. But others, it seems, have no problem taking pictures that capture this “sentiment.” Here are a couple ways this is happening:

  1. Literally. Morning-after photos that recapture the beautiful (and private??) moments of the night before by photographing the happy couple in various stages of undress are becoming a more-than-obscure request. The photos might include ”underwear-clad couples lying in unmade beds, half-dressed on the dining room table, standing with their pants around their ankles, or in the shower, back and hands pressed against the steamy glass door.” Yikes! We can only hope these couples’ pictures will show up in our Facebook feeds!
  2. Budoir Photos taken as a gift for the groom. Yes, often a bride is in the best shape of her life, so why not appreciate the full extent of her great shape? This trend involves a woman in her skivvies, or naked with strategic covering, being photographed by a professional as a gift to her hubby. Nevermind that he gets to see the real thing on the wedding night (and presumably for ever-after). Why not have pictures of a bride at her best so that she can always be compared to them as she ages? Great plan.
  3. Trash the dress. My dress actually was trashed after my reception: someone spilled an entire cup of coffee down the front! But this new photographic event involves doing a photo shoot in your dress in a river, the ocean…somewhere messy but with great scenery to provide a backdrop. These photos might be pretty, but they are not worth your life! Tragically, a woman recently drowned while having such pictures taken (I think the weight of the dress isn’t properly considered in these scenarios).
  4. Women making love to their photographers. Ugh. This is my real issue (the first three were just to let everyone know that I read the news). I have noticed this trend in so much of the wedding photography I see (and thanks to Facebook’s ever-changing set-up, I now have about 50 photographers’ photos in my feed – which I enjoy until I see these pictures!). Women give smoldering, come-hither stares to the photographer, which is especially odd when the groom is also in the picture. Is this some sort of love-triangle? Why would a bride’s other lover be photographing the wedding (and why is she getting married if she’s in love with someone else)? I’m so confused by this. Why would a woman want to be giving her best “bedroom eyes” to everyone who looks at her picture? Shouldn’t some looks be reserved for the actual bedroom (or the photos taken in #1 and #2)? Is the groom just an afterthought? A prop that is helping you advance your career as an underwear model? Whatever happened to smiling at the camera and being happy about marriage?

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           This picture is even worse: the bride and groom are BOTH in love with the photographer. It’s never good to start marriage on a competitive note… especially if you’re competing for the affections of a third party!

5. Odd placement of bride and groom.  This is slightly better than #3, but these pictures still make me feel like I’m intruding. Bride and groom lying down together? Awkward. Groom with his face nuzzled into Bride’s bosom (see below)? Just plain gross.

ImageWe get it. You’re going to have sex later.

And finally… I will leave you with this picture:

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 Get a room. Preferably without a photographer…

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