Dear Fashion-Forward Friends,

One of my dearest, oldest friends, Emily, pointed out that skinny jeans and tight shirts should never be in style at the same time. My favorite line of hers: “We are the 99%… Cut us some slack (and a little extra fabric).” This is SO true, and I wish the fashion industry would comply. But at least that trend involves actual pants.

Lately I have noticed a slew of women (conservative, usually modest women) walking around in public with no pants on! I’m not sure when leggings started passing as pants. Unless they are jeggings or particularly thick material, which I think are fine (and even my mother can wear), leggings more often resemble tights than pants. This seems that it should go without saying, but here’s how to know if you’re wearing pants:

  1. Look in the mirror. Turn around. Look again. Can you see anything through your pants? When the light hits your rear end, does your hot pink underwear glisten through the fabric? If so, you should know before you go in public that you are not actually wearing pants.
  2. Do people look at you when you’re in public, blush, and look away? Do your friends’ husbands seem particularly uncomfortable around you? If you look in the mirror and can see the outline of your lady parts, everyone else can too.  Please get a longer shirt. (Hint: the more like tights your leggings are, the more dress-length-like your shirt should be!)
  3. Consult the mirror again. Does your lower half look amazing in tight, thin pants? This is a tricky one. If yes, congratulations and I hate you (and so does every other woman who does not possess your ass-ets). The rest of us wish you’d wear pants, of course. If you don’t work out, and your lower half doesn’t look amazing, well then, pants are your friend, my friend.
  4. Can you see underwear lines even when you’re wearing  a thong? Please, stop reading this immediately and put on pants.
  5. If you are wearing boots and think that because they come up to your knees, they somehow provide pant-coverage, I am sorry to inform you that you need to rethink your outfit.

So this fall, please, if you’re going to wear leggings, re-read the above before going out in public. Do us all a favor… don’t forget your pants!

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This does NOT work. Get a longer shirt. Or — here’s a novel idea — put on pants!

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