So… has anyone noticed a conspicuous absence of liquid in coffee cups on TV? It’s driving me crazy. Fake sips, Starbucks-type cups being thrown around without a care about spillage… what is going on in TV land? The characters are constantly holding empty cups and taking sips of air that look nothing like taking sips of coffee. Castle is the worst offender. Like the show; hate the drinking (or lack thereof). West Wing reruns revealed more of the same, and even my beloved Gilmore Girls has joined the fray (well more like joined the fray, ten years ago, but still). Since half the dialogue in GG is about coffee, this is truly inexcusable.  This has become so annoying that I must get to the bottom of this immediately or I might have to resort to doing something more constructive with my time!

Do actors not drink coffee? Are they nervous about getting too much caffeine? What about water? Wouldn’t water in a cup at least make more sense than nothing? I can think of only a few possible explanations for such flagrant abuse of the viewing audience:

  1. It could be that actors can’t have drinks because they are incredible klutzes. Perhaps this is due to the fact that so many of them are left-handed. Though my left-handed sister and Grandmother haven’t yet been required to carry around empty cups…
  2. Maybe TV shows are run by thrifty, penny-pinching misers who will not tolerate the least amount of spillage by the aforementioned klutzy actors. No wardrobe changes allowed… do you know how many cents it costs to launder a shirt? And that notebook you spilled on? Coming out of your salary, Lorelai Victoria Gilmore!
  3. Or perhaps directors think the audience is not paying attention, that we are too stupid to notice. But if that’s the case, why put any drinks in the actors’ hands? I mean, we already ignore the fact that our favorite TV friends never use the bathroom. Or vacuum. Or pay their bills. Would it really be so impossible to suspend our disbelief about their coffee drinking? Has drinking Starbucks become more ubiquitous in our minds than potty-ing?
  4. Could it be that acting classes are taught by angry, anti-coffee propagandists? Their subversive plan could be to have actors “drink” coffee so terribly that the audience will subliminally realize that drinking coffee is for dummies. Perhaps the acting teachers are British and are still bitter about the Boston Tea Party and our rebellious hot beverage choice of coffee. My almost-3-year-old pretends to drink coffee far more effectively than the dehydrated actors on TV, so they must have unlearnt it at some point, and it must have been intentional on someone’s part.
  5. Perhaps money has ceased to be motivating to actors. There are only so many Gucci bags you can buy (or is Gucci so last year? I can’t even keep up with fashion in my own income bracket). As such, directors have resorted to motivating actors with liquid. I don’t care if your throat’s dry, Beckett, get the line right or no water for you! Come to think of it, this could also explain the no potty-ing situation…

Haven’t noticed this yet? Now that I’ve pointed it out, you will. It will be like a constant dripping on your head: Chinese Coffee Torture. You’re welcome.

Fill ‘er up!